Gardner Minshew, Second of his name, King of the AFC South and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Duval. I will write a novel about his quest to unite mankind against the tyranny of House Goodell and defeat once and for all the evil that lies to the north, the Canadian Football League.
Another takeaway from TNF – it seemed like Mariota was on the ground the entire game. The man was sacked nine times. That is unforgivable, and Mike Vrabel will not sleep until next Sunday, after a full week of running drills with the linemen, he himself in full pads, blitzing until they stop him. They might not be able to stop him. He might be starting at linebacker for the Patriots week 9. You heard it here first. Also, I’m 0-1 with my for real picks, but we will correct that in a little bit below.
Tom Brady was right, as much as I hate to admit it. There were entirely too many flags. I can’t tell you how many times I was distracted from the game while talking about how I will soon make my riches in Las Vegas, but ONLY because the game was too slow. I kinda beat Brady to the take, but don’t have a time stamp on the proof. I’ll take credit for beating Joe Buck, though. I have witnesses, and it was at least a 10 minute difference. I know that it’s not on him. There’s no way he can be checking social media and calling the game at the same time. I blame the FOX and NFL Network crew for giving him that info late. Not really. I mean not in a hateful way. If they are looking for someone to come in and right the ship, I have a nice LinkedIn profile.
Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s get to the Week 3 Sunday picks.
Sunday 1:00
Denver @ Green Bay
Flacco has nothing for the Packers, and I can’t go against Rodgers at home. Green Bay is a strong contender for the NFC North, and they will send the Broncos packing (I cringed typing that out).
Pick: Green Bay -7.5
Detroit @ Philadelphia
For some reason, this game feels a lot like last week’s game with the Eagles and Falcons.
Pick: Detroit +6.5
Baltimore @ Kansas City
You talk about a shoot out. This one has over written all over it. This could be the best game of the week. Mahomes is going to get his points on the board. Can Lamar Jackson keep up? Fantasy owners with Mark Andrews on their team are some of the luckiest people in the world. I am not one of those people. But if I win the lottery, I will come back and rub it in Mark Andrews fantasy owners’ faces. I’m having a bad year in fantasy. Let me vent. The shoot out is the winner.
Pick: Over 52.5
Cincinnati @ Buffalo
One of these days, the Bengals have to get a win. Right? Well it won’t be this Sunday. The “Red Rocket” is slinging the ball, but the current Kings of New York will get the W, boys. I won’t take sides.
Pick: Under 44
Atlanta @ Indianapolis
See Detroit at Philly above
Pick: Atlanta ML +105
Oakland @ Minnesota
Minnesota will win this game, so take the ML if you want. They look great, the run game looks great, Kirk Cousins is there and does things, and they will win. The real bet is over/under TV cutaways to Gruden on the sideline with a nasty look on his face. I want him mic’d up the whole game with no other audio, especially commentators (looking at you, Ronde). Give me 6.5 on Gruden cutaways and I’m still taking the over. But for the game, give me a back door cover.
Pick: Oakland +8.5
New York Jets @ New England and and and Miami @ Dallas
You know why I am looping these in together. This is the first time in a million years that two teams have a 20+ point spread in the same week. If I was actually putting $$ on games, I would stay away from these. They don’t make sense. But I’m playing with monopoly dollars and pride, and I’m buying what the fine folks in Vegas are sellin. Utah, get me two!!!!!!
Picks: New England -22.5 and Dallas -21.5
Sunday 4:05
New York Giants @ Tampa Bay
Daniel Jones will shock the world. Maybe not shock. It’s just Tampa for goodness sake.
Pick: New York ML +240
Carolina @ Arizona
It’s a shoot out between Kyle Allen and Kyler Murray. Two guys kinda named Kyle. Playing QB against each other. Wow. What a time to be alive.
Pick: Carolina -2.5
Sunday 4:25
New Orleans @ Seattle
You do not go on the road to Seattle and win very often. Especially with a backup QB. Stats department, check me on that.
Pick: Seattle -4.5
Houston @ LA Chargers
It’s late. I’m tired. Here’s my pick.
Pick: Houston +3
Pittsburgh @ San Francisco
The zeros in the records remain, but it will be a close one. Give Mason Rudolph another week or two, and he’ll be ready to roll.
Pick: Pittsburgh +6.5
Sunday 8:20
LA Rams @ Cleveland
The prime time game. Cleveland is coming off a victory in prime time last week. The Rams have played two NFC South opponents who have been shaky at best (easy Saints fans, I mean after Brees went out). While everyone will be WATCHing OBJ [wink], Nick Chubb will have a breakout game and lead the Browns to victory. My mother says the Browns’ brown unis look like Tootsie Rolls. My jaw just seized up thinking about the time when I was a kid and actually ate Tootsie Rolls. Cleveland wins this one outright.
Pick: Cleveland ML +140
The beer of the week is a new segment I will try to build up over the coming weeks. I believe we have to start with the clear front runner in the Crisp household’s refrigerator, and the one sponsor we want very very badly, Michelob Ultra. It’s a crisp, refreshing beverage that goes great with your favorite football game. I will give it a score of 9.1, though I haven’t thought through the actual scale yet. That score feels right, so it shall stand. Thank you, Mich Ultra, for being a fantastic beverage. And also for having a great social media team who picked up that one guy’s tweet and is now paying for his wedding. I will tag you in this. Check out my contact page and we’ll talk numbers.
Stay Crispy friends!